Hell Night (1981)

Shanahan’agins at Halas Hall

As my son and I spent yet another silent Sunday afternoon on the couch watching the Bears be dismantled yet again a theory began to form , a conspiracy theory which rivals the Kennedy assignation, The Devinci code, The Hoffa disappearance. This could be so big that you could actually store weapons of mass destruction inside of the many layers of clandestine meetings, and covert dealings that it had to takes to put something this devious together.
Stay with me my friends while I lead you through this web of intrigue that will forever change you.
If you want to venture back to the beginning of the conspiracy 1981 when then Denver Broncos owner Gerald Phipps was told to get out of town fast by Edgar Kaiser Jr, Grandson Of Henry J Kaiser who made his fortune as a shipbuilder. Researchers believe that it was the elder Kaiser that devised the original layout of the plan, Kaiser Jr., just another in a long line of puppets.
John Elway arrived in Denver in 1983, there are some theories that Elway was chosen by the Kaiser family when we was 2 years old when one of their minions saw him throw a pacifier from his crib in a tight spiral on a ten yard out pattern.
It was also in 1983 that young baby Jay Cutler entered the world. Coincidence, I think not. Again many , (and I cannot name names at this time for fear of their safety) believe that Jay was genetically engineered to be the greatest Denver Quarter Back ever. Elway began secretly mentoring Cutler in the spring of 1985 and continued all the way to 1995. It was in 1995 that Coach Mike Shanahan was brought in by the empire to oversee the further development of Cutler after rumors began to surface of Elway going rouge. Elway was allowed to win a title and then asked to quietly leave in 1998. Enter Jake Plummer. Jake was just a patsy in the whole scheme and cannot be held accountable for anything that had transpired either on or off the field. Brian Griese the same. Both were fill ins until 2005 when Jay was picked up at the airport by a one armed man after the completion of the draft that had been bought and paid for 12 years earlier.
It is rumored that Jay was brought to the stadium in blindfold and made to stand on the 50 yard line while the owner, Shanahan, Elway, The entire Bush family (who are major players) Donald Trump, Margaret Thatcher high ranking Free masons and other members of the new world order walked around him viewing their prize.
Jay started his actual playing career in 2006 with the mysterious disappearance of Jake Plumbers talent and career. He was off to a great start, everything he was supposed to be, Forged between a lifelong tutelage by Elway and the iron fist of Shanahan. But Jay had developed some behavior issues along the way through his harsh development and after an incident with the owner known only to insiders as “Black Tuesday Evening” Shanahan was ordered to make his young prodigy “disappear”. Shanahan could not bear the thought of being without Jay and refused, in the ensuing sword fight, even though Jay rushed to his aid, Shanahan was banished from the Broncos forever. Jays punishment, life long servitude to the Evil Bronco empire. This was the year of our Lord 2008.
Here’s where the tables are turned and the “Chicago plan” is put into motion.
Bronco’s management placed Josh McDaniel in power knowing that he would execute their every command. Their first line of business make any athlete who gets out of line life a living hell.
Cutler wanted out, but was told that he would never leave. What could Jay do? He called Mike Shanahan who had always been like a Godfather to him and asked for council and help. Mike said to Jay, “I will meet with this big shot coach of yours and he will release you, then all that remains will be our friendship. Someday I might ask you for a favor but until that day”… Mike set up a meeting with Josh and asked him to sign over Jay to him for the price of $10,000 dollars. Josh refused. So the next day, Mike returned with Luka Bratzi and convinced Josh that something was going on the release papers. Josh signed the papers. Mike then brought his story to Jerry Angelo and made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. That is how Jay Cutler became a Chicago Bear.
Mike Shanahan realized the potential of the situation immediately. The people of Chicago would be so enamored by the thought of having an actual quarter back that if something were to happen there could be opportunities.
Mike met with Jay and called in the favor, Jay sprung into action. First he needed the team leaders in his pocket, when he realized that mike brown could not be turned, mike Brown disappeared. He then went after Urlacher and convinced him, with the help of Shanahan, that it would be in Brian’s best interest to have, shall we say, an accident early in the year, with Brian off the field they then devised the plan to make it look like Jay and Brian were not compatible serving two purposes, 1) further dividing the locker room and 2) covering up the plan. All the pieces were now in place to put the plan in effect they needed the right adversary. Enter the Cincinnati Bengals. It did not take much for Jay to give it up like a drunk prom date and soon the rest of the team followed. The plan has worked brilliantly Jay throws interceptions instead of touchdowns, Brian stirs up crap from the bleachers, The rest of the team misses tackles, blows assignments and my favorite the participation of the offensive coordinator who must have sold out also, unless he holds a patent on bubble screens.
Lovie, sensing something was not quite right, he’s good like that, took over defensive play calling and has brought us such memorable plays as defending every third and long with the cover two. If you wanted to shorten the game just start the third and long play with a receiver standing 15 yards down the field by the sideline like he had already run the out route and just have the ref hand him the ball there it would save time and we all know, well almost all of us know it’s going there anyway.
Jerry Angelo stumbled upon the conspiracy when he accidentally locked himself in a restroom stall where he overheard two of the grounds keepers discussing their part in it. Jerry, of course fearing for Jerry called Mike on October 20th set a meeting for that night and the next day Jay had a contract extension to the year 2013. In Jerry’s defense what else was he going to do? Wait around and get railroaded out of town with Lovie, I don’t think so. Besides Jerry confided in a source that must remain nameless, that he is a descendant of a Mayan medicine man, so he knows the world is going to end in 2012 which will save the Bears from having to pay that final contract year. Always thinking ahead that Jerry Angelo. Like giving the go ahead to turn the most dangerous return man in history into the average looking receiver he is today. Foresight, that’s what that’s called.
So where does that leave us now, two games away from the master plan coming full circle. Mike Shanahan will no longer have to sneak in and out of Soldiers Field, hiding behind the one way glass in his private suite, overlooking the field on game day and pressing the tips of his fingers together while rocking slowly back and forth on his heels, looking just like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Muttering “yes, excellent, most excellent,” as Jay enters the red zone. Because he knows what’s going to happen next, deep down we all do. Waiting for Jerry to give him the call, to come out of the shadows and be reunited with Jay once more, as destiny had planed.
We are still researching night and day to verify if any of this is true or not, well actually just between you and me, I made the whole thing up, yesterday as a matter of fact, sitting in silence with my son. My son who I have turned into one of the most loyal bear fans ever. What else can a Father do at this point but to concoct a grand story for his son to explain why our beloved bears are year after year the biggest mess on turf. How else do I explain the lack luster play the emotionless coaching and how there are some men on the Earth that are rewarded with millions of dollars a year who would be fired on the spot if they performed their jobs in the same fashion and with the same results in the real world.
I would like it to be known to all that personally I would prefer Gruden over Shanahan but you can’t fight destiny and above anything else, no matter what happens and to whom, the thought of sitting on the same couch next year with my son by my side in silence if need be, is an “excellent, most excellent” thought. I guess in the off season I’ll go to work on a new theory and a new story just in case. Maybe we’ll cross that goal line if we get to it.

About the Author

As a life long Bears fan who has sat through countless seasons of dissapointment, I think I get to take a shot at the organization just for fun

Hell Night (1981) 1/10

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