Lucky Break (2001)

Overcoming Child Abuse

Child abuse is a worldwide epidemic. It is as old as humankind is and no culture seems to be immune. There are many different forms of child abuse. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, medical abuse, and neglect are the typical forms of abuse in children. Some children suffer only one form of abuse but most likely two or more forms of abuse are combined. The more abuse that is inflicted on a child, the harder it is for the child to break the cycle when he or she gets older. It takes a strong personality to overcome child abuse and to break the cycle.

Child abuse or maltreatment does not distinguish between the races, cultures, colors, gender, and social classes. Child abuse reaches back to the beginning of humankind. Lloyd DeMause wrote in an article (1):”In several hundred studies published by myself and my associates in The Journal of Psychohistory, we have provided extensive evidence that the history of childhood has been a nightmare from which we have only recently begun to awaken. The further back in history one goes–and the further away from the West one gets–the more massive the neglect and cruelty one finds and the more likely children are to have been killed, rejected, beaten, terrorized and sexually abused by their caretakers. Indeed, my conclusion from a lifetime of psycho historical study of childhood and society is that the history of humanity is founded upon the abuse of children. Just as family therapists today find that child abuse often functions to hold families together as a way of solving their emotional problems, so, too, the routine assault of children has been society’s most effective way of maintaining its collective emotional homeostasis.”

According to information from the Child Maltreatment 2002 (2), “a parent accounted for 81.0 percent of perpetrators.” The family is the main socializing factor for children. It is in the family where children are supposed to learn the values and norms of society. If a child is being abused or neglected by those who are supposed to teach these norms and values, the child grows up learning this behavior. Therefore, it becomes the norm. Child abuse and abuse in general is a learned behavior. All the norms and values we learn as children are ingrained in us and it becomes very hard to ‘retrain’ those learned behaviors. The longer the abuse is endured, the harder it is to break the cycle.

According to The National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information (3), almost 900,000 children were reported to be victims of child abuse in 2002. The numbers have gone down slightly in 2002 from 2001. Unfortunately, nobody knows how many kids are actually being abused because by far not all cases are being reported. It is even harder to find out how many of those abused children were able to break the cycle of abuse. The reason for this is quite simple: once the cycle is broken, one usually does not want to be reminded, and they do not see a need to go to an agency to report.

Many kids will not speak out because the perpetrator is a person they love, and who is supposed to love them. Children usually are told that if they say anything to anybody, they will be taken away from their families. Unfortunately, the abused children are looking for love and in a strange way, they grow up thinking that the abuse is normal and a way of showing affection.

I know this because I too had to endure different forms of abuse as a child. Growing up in a single parent home, my mother could not cope with the stress of being a single mother. She also came from an abusive home and so it must have seemed natural to her. The maltreatment I had to endure has never been reported, and for a long time it seemed to me that this was the norm. Fortunately, I met many kind people along the way that showed me that things could be different. Not every abused child is that lucky. However, it took me a long time to overcome the insecurity, and low self-esteem. Even after I finally moved out, became married, and started my own family, the effects still lingered.

Every form of child abuse inflicts damage on a child with long-term ramifications. Usually these children are withdrawn, have low self-esteem, and a very low feeling of self-worth. Low self-esteem and a low feeling of self-worth is extremely hard to built up again. The effects of abuse on a child can take different forms. Abused children often withdraw from peers and activities, display aggression toward peers, family members and/or property, and animals. In my case, I was more of a loner and had low self-esteem. I remember having nightmares as a young child and many times, I blamed myself for the abuse. Other effects I suffer from and talking to other victims, so do they. Two big issues we all seem to have in common: we all suffer from some form of depression, and we all have eating disorders.

One of my friends and her sister, were sexually abused and neglected as children. My friend too was able to break the cycle of abuse. She, like many others, broke the cycle but the psychological scars are still deep. It is easy to see when you go to her house. Growing up, she sometimes only had a small piece of bread to live on for a few days. Now, she has more food in her house than a grocery store, and she is struggling with her weight.

Another friend of mine had a very abusive father. He would go and pick her up from school just to take her home and beat her. Her mother either really did not know what was going on, or looked the other way. She too broke the cycle. She is a wonderful Mom but like the rest of us, suffers from some form of depression. It amazes me how many people were abused as children and never got help.

Unfortunately, others cannot break the cycle of abuse. A large number of prison inmates admit that they had been victims of child abuse.  Many felons use the fact that they had been abused as a child as an excuse for crimes or abuse they committed themselves. It is so much easier to blame someone else than take responsibility for one’s own actions. A person has to be strong willed and not be afraid to ask for help in order to break the cycle of abuse. It is not easy and it will be a struggle every day for the rest of our lives, but it is possible.

However, it is important to know that there is help out there and the cycle can be broken. It is not an easy route to take to but definitely one that is well worth it. It would be beneficial for children to learn about child abuse and its different forms in school. Many children need help to realize that they are in an abusive home or environment and be made aware, that there are places for help available. The cycle can be broken successfully, and my friends and I are happy, living proof.

Sources:

1. DeMause, Lloyd. “The History of Child Abuse.” The Journal of Psychohistory 25.3

(Win 1998) : 216-236.

2. Report from the States to the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data Systems.

“Victims.” Child Maltreatment 2002 (2004) : 21-49

3. “HHS Releases 2002 National Statistics on Child Abuse and Neglect.” United States

Department of Health and Human Services. 1 April 2004.  5 December 2004

About the Author

As the mother of two awesome teenage sons and the wife of one of the best soldiers in the U.S. Army, my life had to endure many challenges. Growing up in a physically and mantally abusive home was just the beginning… In 2004 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and lost 180 lbs along with the emotional baggage that had accumulated. My positive attitude and the ability to look at situations from different perspectives has helped me make it through it all. Not only did I “make” it through, but I am still smiling and standing strong. Through my years as a military spouse, I have had the priviledge to talk to, inspire, and empower so many people. It just continues on and I am happy to be able to share and help empower people through positive thinking to see different perspectives.

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